There’s no question that the Switch has become a reliable home for remakes and reinventions of games from previous systems, in particular from the various iterations of the Nintendo 3DS. Given the portable nature of the Switch, and the fact that it has managed to cultivate a pretty robust indie gaming space, it seems well-suited to such updates. While not all of the upconverted games I’ve played in this generation have been winners, I’m usually able to understand why they may have had a previous following and were worth bringing to the Switch. However, having now spent some time with Guardians And Metal Exterminators S, I’ll admit that in this case I’m a bit at a loss.

Starting with what worked for me, while the inclusion of 2 simulated old-school handheld games was likely a throw-away bonus, I at least connected with them a bit. While not quite like any handheld I played back in my youth, I can still appreciate the care that went into making it look visually authentic and at least mostly control the same way such games would have. The fact that you can move a bit more quickly and easily than you would have at that time is a small detail, but on the whole though these games aren’t terribly deep I appreciated their inclusion.

Moving on to the main event, I really was left dumbfounded by it. Without the original title as a reference I don’t know whether the authentic experience was accurately depicted, but in any case I would best describe the action as janky if I were being generous. I’d like to say it’s somewhere between a slasher and a beat-em-up in terms of the style of play, but I worry that would give it more credit than it’s due. Your character’s controls are sluggish and sloppy, making you feel quite incapable of fighting back against a variety of enemies that will pursue you while you try to complete mission objectives like popping balloons? 

You’ll be able to unlock and switch between characters (even including some monsters), each having their own benefits, but nothing can really get around the generally dismal gameplay. If you’re a fan of the series you’ll even be able to import characters from its other titles, but nothing would be able to distract you from the woeful state of the experience. Perhaps this somehow felt sufficient on an older system, but in a mature Switch eShop it simply isn’t up to snuff.